We are all on drugs yeah

I wrote these things in my journal last night, and typed them up just after. I vaguely remember writing them and then typing them up before struggling to shut off my computer and falling asleep. I read them again this morning. They're freaking weird.

Transcribed from my journal on the evening of April 20-something

I feel good right now. Good, but worried. My mom says that I look like I’ve been doing crack for 2 days, which is weird. Wow my handwriting looks really weird. Kinda messy. But anyway. The crack thing. I don’t remember where I was going with that but it feels really good to put pencil to paper right now. Ugh I think I pissed off Peach ‘cause I got slightly confused about something. Anyway, pupils dilated, my mom says cops arrest people for pupils like mine. Pretty crazy. The rest of my appearance doesn’t help. I look like a total crack addict. Ooh, my handwriting’s kind of getting better. Cool. [My handwriting didn't look any better at all.]
I have This Is Gallifrey stuck in my head. It’s so pretty. I could listen to it over and over.
I should put this on blogger. But the recent stuff, not the weird stuff from earlier. [I had written some angry stuff earlier in the day; more private things I didn't want to share.]
So I’m gonna have to talk to Linda about the pupils thing ‘cause I don’t want to get arrested or for people to think I’m on drugs. Well, I am on drugs, but legal ones, so it’s different.
I’m gonna continue writing this on blogger, I think. I’m writing all the letters and words wrong. Wow what the hell. Okay stop writing Dude my hand just keeps going and I can’t stop or read what I’m writing [At this point my handwriting is barely legible and I mostly gave up on punctuation. If I hadn't written it myself, I probably wouldn't be able to decipher it.]


Okay that was really weird. Kinda hurt my arm, too. But yeah. Blogger now. I don’t know why it’s so hard to stop writing in this journal. Maybe I shouldn’t stop. I’ll just keep going. It feels good.
My grandma joined Digg, [It took me five minutes to figure out that this word was Digg and not Pigs] which is sort of funny because I don’t even have Digg. She’s like hipper than me. With her Twitter and her Facebook. Well, I have those but it’s still weird. Good for her, though. She’s learning quickly. Oh, also, my computer has been acting so weird and I think I’m going to have to reformat it. It smells kinda like beef flavored top ramen in here. Prolly just spaghetti sauce. Hey you know that episode of Monk where that guy writes all those journals and it’s basically just every little thing that pops into his head? That’s how I feel, only I’m writing with a pencil, not ink made of gold.
I feel kinda weird and sleepy but I don’t know if I want to go to sleep or not. Whoa. I fell asleep for a couple minutes. [I was falling asleep the entire time I was writing this.] Yeah, I’m tired. I should go to bed. And talk to Linda about the pupil thing. Only I have to wait because she doesn’t work weekends, dammit. That blows, what if I had a nervous breakdown on a Sunday? What, I’m just screwed? I’m more likely to have one then, too. It’s the day before Monday.
Oh FUCK I haven’t written my I-Search paper oh fuck my life is such shit I am so screwed oh god [Right here my handwriting gets extremely messy again and there's a sharp scribble beneath it]


No, I’m fine. I think. I don’t know, I’m just really tired and making a big deal. But I really should have written it or some other essays. Oh god I’m going to fail everything. And yet this is just a knowledge I have and otherwise I feel fine but a little sleepy. Should sleep.
[For some reason, my handwriting is actually a little neater at this point] Sometimes at night when I’m starting to go to sleep, I here all these overlapping voices. Slyvia Browne says that’s like I’m hearing people on another plane, like dead people. That’s so CREEPY. The clearest thing I heard just a minute ago, was “Sweetie, don’t break your neck, sweetheart.” And I imagined a smiling black lady in a floral dress wearing pearls and a hat. 50s era, maybe. Creepy, right? She’s totally a dead person, I bet. Poor woman. She was probably talking to some kids playing on a big log going across a creek, balancing precariously. [I think that's creepy because of how specific I was about the situation.]
LOL, I just said “I’m really tired, but kinda wired” to Peach. AWESOME RHYME. Know what word I always have trouble spelling? Rythm. Rhythm. Rhthym. WTF. I think it’s the first one, though. [lol. It's the second one, actually.]
Which reminds me, I haven’t written my budget story. I AM SUCH A FUCK UP
[Messy scribble writing again.] Ugh…why don’t I feel worse? Is this that pill? Does it make me not feel? Also, how the hell is this a downer? Makes me sleepy, but makes me nonsense. Look at this page. It’s ridiculous. Hell. This is going on blogger. Y’all can tell me what you think.

I'm crashing. Crashing and burning.
Jenny is home. I would like her to kindly die.

...Yeah. I don't remember writing half of that. But I remember flopping all around my bed, trying to write in the journal. I also remember typing it up and sending it to Peach, who says it's harmless.
What do you think?

Anti-depressant woes

Well, the Celexa made me sleep for 15 hours... While getting sleep is nice, I'm worried about how that will affect the rest of my life. Because if I feel like I need the sleep, I'm damn well going to take it. And I've already been up an hour and I'm still yawning. That's probably not a good sign.

On the bright side, though, I'm already starting to feel better. They said it wouldn't work right away, though, so I don't know if it's actually the pill or if it's my imagination (like a placebo or something). But it's nice. I just wish I wasn't still all tired. That's no good at all.

Especially because the whole point of taking antidepressants is so my depression doesn't disrupt my life by making me want to hole up in my house on my computer all day. Celexa just makes me want to stay in bed all day. I had to force myself up this morning (just barely morning; 11:30) and I went to bed at 8:30. Yesterday I woke up at 11:30, too, but I hadn't gone to sleep until 5 AM. And needing to sleep for so many hours is going to disrupt my life just as badly.

But we'll see how it goes for the next two weeks I s'pose... If it doesn't work out I can always ask them if I can try the type that makes you more energetic.

ugghh I hate titles

My very first antidepressant goes down the hatch tonight.

They say I won't really see much difference for two weeks... And that's when my next appointment is. Now I'm really wishing that I hadn't missed that appointment two weeks ago. Oh well. At least my mom got to come this time.

I had a fairly good day. Put together a lovely outfit and did my makeup all nice. I felt very pretty. :] The only problem was I'd planned to wear ballerina flats but I couldn't find them, so I wore high-heeled Mary Jane things, and we ended up walking around a bit, and they hurt my poor feet.

But I got to see my mom's work, Bay 839. It's such a nice little place. I love it. We also went to check out the Embarcadero, since we're considering getting a condo there, and it was lovely. We found out that we can have indoor/outdoor cats there, and even saw a few cats roaming about. That will be nice for Ziggy and Zoey.


On a sour note, more roommate-related badness: Remember those clothes that she had shoved into a trash bag? My mom had put them back on the shelf since there was room and she was pissed. Well, I went down there today to look for a pair of white leggings I was considering wearing, only to discover that the clothes were missing.
I couldn't find them anywhere. And I still don't know where they are.
I was SO angry, and it is SO lucky that Jenny wasn't here. Because I was just about ready to tear her a new one. I'm still pretty fucking pissed off but I'm too exhausted to do any confronting.
I'd just like to know, how would SHE feel if her things started getting moved around and disappearing?

GRR.


I'm exhausted. -.- I'm going to decide the time for taking pills is 8:30 and then go to sleep.

I drew some pictures

Oh but wait

No, no, no. Not everything is all sunshine and daisies right now, unfortunately.

I'm getting steadily angrier with the roommate.

First of all, I'm incredibly sick of having to mistreat animals because of her precious fucking couches.
My mom and I have offered to make it easier by putting something in that doorway to the living room so we don't have to go after them every time they go downstairs. Oh but no, it has to "look right". So we'll just wait a week for this mystery guy to bring some damn accordion door and leave tin foil all over the couches. Oh yeah, that's nice feng shui right there. And what's worse, is I don't even really care if they scratch and piss all over her couches. The only reason I even bother is because I don't want to create a hostile living environment.

Also, there's this incredibly sweet stray cat we've named Paulie that we feed at times, and sometimes he gets in through my window. Now, most of the time at night, I have to lock the cats up in my room since we can't keep them from the living room all night. So, one day, my mom was going to put Paulie in my room (locked up with me) so that he could be warm and safe. And Jenny's like "oh, I don't want him in the house, he'll spray".

Well, if he's going to be in my room, what difference does it make? She obviously doesn't give a shit if my things get ruined, or if my room smells because we have to keep a litter box in there. The cats are supposed to be indoor/outdoor, so they don't need a litter box, but now they don't even want to go up, because Dodge chases them into the woods. And there are predators in the woods, but they don't feel safe enough to stay by the house.

Second, she needs to keep her damn hands off of my things.
My mom and I were supposed to be able to use the little cabinets in the closet where the washer/dryer is. Because, believe it or not, sometimes we actually like to keep things in the house. So yesterday, I was looking for a certain top, and I thought it might be amongst some clothes that I keep in there that don't always fit me, but can sometimes manage to squeeze into. I open the cabinet and miraculously, they're missing.
Then I notice, in the corner area where the wall dips down, with a box of our things, there's a trash bag. I open it up, and sure enough, she's stuffed all the clothes in there.
Yeah, thanks.

On top of that, there's this small knitted blanket that my grandmother made a while back. I'd had it folded up on my desk chair, which is essentially a dining room chair, as a bit of cushioning. During a shoot for our DAP project, I had to move the chair out into the living room. When I put it back later, I noticed the blanket was gone, but just figured my mom moved it to wash or something.
Last night, while I was struggling to get Zoey out from under the armchair, the huge green blanket she drapes over it slid off. Underneath it, basically hiding, was that small blanket of mine. Now, we could say she didn't know it was there, but she just recently washed that blanket, so she had to have seen it, and put it back under.
What. The. Fuck.

And this is all just some of the complaints I have. Oh my god. She has no respect for other people's things and it is making me so angry. I swear, one of these days, I'm going to snap and rip her throat out.

Murdermurdermurdermurdermurder.

:]

Today is such a beautiful day. I think I might even go outside for a bit later. The sun is shining and there's a cool breeze but it's not cold.

I'm in a rather content mood, despite being somewhat lethargic with tiredness. Could take a nap, but I only woke up a few hours ago (didn't get to sleep until 3 last night because I fail at sleeping on the weekends).

I really should be doing some schoolwork but it's just too nice of a day to ruin with history-related headaches. I'll just sleep a little less this week...

Went on a shoot at Cafe Mundo's last night. The owner/manager or whatever looked oddly like Willem Dafoe, but with shorter hair, and Flower Child Waitress and Dread Locks Waitress were so thin, but in that healthy, man-I-really-need-to-stop-stuffing-my-face-with-chocolate-because-I-want-to-look-like-that way.

I have such a boring life. But at this exact moment, I am content.

-______________-

I am getting so sick of this BEDA thing.
I don't think I'm going to do it anymore.
I'll still blog, but not every day. -.- It's just getting annoying. I don't have that much to talk about.

And right now I'm just all bitchy because my mom ruined my good mood! >_< I was all happy and then she had to go and start talking about the roommates and just ARGH!

AWUEIOFDA;J;AWEISOTFRAJS